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I want to love God with all my heart, live a life of sincere holiness with Jesus, and repent, turning away from everything bad, not grievously sinning against the Lord like I have in the past week, but I now seem stuck where I’m at. Yet Jesus Himself said that we are to strive to enter in and that only a few will be saved. The idea that the majority of people professing to be Christians, who may sincerely think they’re following Christ and show many evidences of salvation, yet be self-deluded and lost, is very disturbing to me. It seems that the only real difference is that only genuine repentance causes the person to hate sin because it is sin, not because it causes us pain or difficulty (I guess godly sorrow vs. There was a section that talked about how there is a false form of faith and a false form of repentance, that is often indistinguishable to even mature and discerning Christians, that leads the majority of people who profess Christ into hell.
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Recently I read a work by John Bunyan called The Strait Gate, or Great Difficulty of Going to Heaven. The really pathetic part is that I thought I had already learned my painful lesson about doing this, but I guess the lesson was lost on me. It was sin that was a mockery to God I arrogantly thought that I would just commit then sin then ask for forgiveness and everything would be cool. Doing this immediately hardened my heart, and opened the floodgates to lust that I could not, and would not, control. It happened on a night when I was feeling very good about my relationship with God, but then fell to the temptation to masturbate with sexual thoughts. For some time, I have been in a state of rebellion to God.